And no one is complaining except me, it seems.

There have been three recent ‘title eliminators’ but no movement toward an actual title fight.  It seems that the sobriquet “Mandatory Challenger” has as much meaning as their boxing names, like “Towering Inferno” or “Touch of Sleep.”

A long time ago I made a spreadsheet that created boxing names.  The main joke was that bad nick names, like “Dim Bulb”, “Gelding” or “Nicely Coiffed” were included.  Another joke aspect was that all the names were either Latin sounding, or eastern European, like “Igor “the Switch-Hitter” Mayorga” or “Manuel “Two-Sheds” Solzhenitsyn.  I looked but couldn’t find that one.  I did find a generator that I wrote with all Jewish names, to wit:

	Your Son’s Birth Month		Your Daughter’s Birth Month		Your Birth Month
1	Lester		the Hammering Hebrew		Schwartz
2	Morey		you want I should stop hitting you?		Lieberman
3	Saul		The Dybbuk		Finkelstein
4	Bernie		You call that a Jab?		Rothschild
5	Malcolm		the Smiter		Abelman
6	Abraham		the Horn of Joshua		Lipschitz
7	Hiram		the Pillar of Fire		Rosenthal
8	Cyrus		The Desert Wanderer		Cohen
9	Ruben		the Mensch		Feinberg
10	Chaim		Matzeltov		Liebowitz
11	Benjamin		the Plague of Fists		Abramowitz
12	Rorey		Aaron’s Rod		Morgenstern

(I got “Ruben “the Smiter” Abramowitz”.)

Then I found one that I created that riffed off of the stereotype of Italian organized crime figures, but imagining that they were both boxers, and also office workers:

	Your birth month		Your Wife’s Birth Month		Your Son’s Birth Month
1	Jimmy		The Copier		Rutigliano
2	Tommy		The Kuerig		Giordano
3	Joey		The Shredder		Esposito
4	Pauly		The Dumpster		Romano
5	Rocco		The Stapler		Bianchi
6	Sally		the Copier		Mancini
7	Tony		“Three-Hole-Punch”		De Luca
8	Bruno		the Rolodex		Napolitano
9	Sammy		I.T.		Moretti
10	Guido		The Server		Marchesi
11	Pete		The Gopher		Lucchese
12	Alfredo		The Remote Connection		Angelini

(I got “Pete “the Dumpster” Moretti”.)

You see there was a time when the boxing world was full of Irish men.  Angelo Dundee wasn’t Irish, and his name wasn’t really Dundee, but he wanted his name to sound like an Irish name.  He wanted his name to make it look like he belonged in the sport.  The later Italian men seemed to dominate the sport, men like Marciano, Graziano or LaMotta.   Then black men had a dynasty.  More recently the Latin men and eastern Europeans.  Burt Sugar wrote about this phenomenon and linked it to immigration, etc.  Don’t know if he touched all the bases, but it was interesting.

There was Jewish heavyweight champ once.  Max Baer was Jewish.

Then things got really weird.  This last one was for architects that also were somehow prizefighters:

	The month of your Anniversary		Your daughter’s Birth Month		Your Son’s Birth Month
1	Michael		Notes of Earth		Johnson-Smythe
2	Criss		Whisper of Toffee		Wallingford
3	Thad		Peat Smoke		Patterson
4	Douglas		the Vision		Moody
5	Rory		Dark Sweetness		Evans-Childers
6	Alexander		Learning Pathways		Witherspoon
7	Troy		Innovation Propeller		Samuelson
8	Bruce		Limitless Potential		Montigue
9	Lemuel		Delicious Accent		Buttifoucco
10	Samson		Postmodern Renaissance		Simpson-Prague
11	Aldo		Juicy Peach		Whistler
12	Chad		Noble Purpose		Dorchester

(I got “Michael “the Vision” Buttifoucco”)

Architects… really weird people.  Where was I?  Oh, yes.

I refer to Filip Hrgovic, who won a title eliminator against Zhang Zhilie, and is next in line to challenge Usyk for one of his belts, or so they say.  Andy Ruiz also won an eliminator against Luis Ortiz, and he is also next in line to fight Usyk for a belt, and Joe Joyce knocked out Joseph “No Name” Parker and he too, is next in line.  I understand that Daniel Dubois is somebody’s ‘Mandatory’ for some reason too.

Wait, is one of these guys supposed to fight Fury, (who is retired)?  Because if you haven’t heard he’s planning to fight Mahmoud “Diamond Boy” Charr (No, I’m not making fun of him, that’s his name.)  If you don’t know, Charr, whose career has not earned him a title shot, has been shot 4 times in the abdomen, has had both hips replaced, and is 37 years old.

Here’s a picture of him in training.

Inspiring, Tyson.  Real nice.

Being a “Mandatory Challenger” seems to be analogous to being in the “friend zone” with a member of the opposite sex.  There doesn’t seem to be any way out, and you never get the ‘closure’ you desire.

So we have a phalanx of men, qualified men, men who have been tested and have passed, men pounding at the door, and the sanctioning bodies act like referees in  a wrestling match. (“What chair? I didn’t see a chair!”).  Heavyweight boxing is constipated and the only way to get things moving is for the sanctioning bodies (AKA the Tapeworm) to start actually stripping titles from their “champions” that refuse to fight.

Fury should have his title taken away and be forced to wear a tutu for his next match.

I shall retire to Bedlam.