I’d only ever seen him fight once before. I didn’t know who he was.  As far as I knew, he was untested.  His opposition has been, by the numbers, stellar.  His opponents overall have a won/loss record of 199 – 35 (including Martin).  But they were right, they were right.  Everyone was right except the ones that called for a short night, that said Martin was too old, etc.

They were right when they said Martin would be Anderson’s stiffest challenge to date.  They were right when they said Anderson would win. They were right that he has a special talent.  He is also young, good looking, charismatic, American, and not a douchebag.  In the interviews they did, he was relaxed and unassuming, imminently likable.  I know, I’m sure he has a dark side, we all do.  He was quite candid about some of the seamier aspects of his past, and he appears to be effectively quashing his personal demons.

I had not even considered the American thing till they brought it up last night. But I have mentioned it before – that I have a strong nostalgia for the era of black American champions – 16 in a row from Floyd Patterson to Shannon Briggs. It’s been foreigners ever since then except for the fractional reigns of Andy Ruiz and Deontay Wilder.  (I’m looking at the lineal champion here.)  It’s been 25 years since we had an American lineal champ.

Martin was right when he said he was ready. He gave Anderson a real, professional challenge.  Yes, Anderson won running away, but while he hit Martin more than he got hit, he did get hit. He got rocked in the fifth round. I thought Martin might finish him in the sixth.  Anderson had to go the distance for the first time and faced real adversity.  Now we know he’s got a chin.

I hope they were right with the level of hype they heaped on Anderson.  He looks like he can take it.  I hope that works out. I like his plan to win the title and retire by 27, having made a fortune.  I hope that works out too.

They weren’t right that said he was invincible.  He came perilously close to the cliff’s edge.  But unlike Hrgovic, who was pulled back from the precipice by a trio of maladroit judges, Anderson had to use his strength, talent and wit to climb back on top.

And he did so.  The ones that were hoping for a repeat of Ali vs. Cleveland Williams may have been disappointed, but ai thought what we saw was even better.  He had everything you want in a champ, speed, power, a good jab and guts and grit.  He is the whole package. An all-American, boy-next-door, handsome and admirable man. You can count me among his fans.

Now we know.

I didn’t write right away about the last Fury “fight.”

Okay, bone spurs suck.  I’ve got some in my wrist, and I can’t have surgery soon enough.  So I sympathize with Fury on that score.  He needs to get elbow surgery, let him have it.   Funny though, remember when Usyk beat Joshua the second time?  He called out Fury, but said he had first to get surgery (as I recall) on his elbows.  And Fury, of course, did the gentlemanly thing and signed a contract to fight Usyk as soon as he was healed up.

Ha ha! I make a funny joke!

No, he railed against Usyk, calling him cowardly, etc., then he mounted the greatest campaign of non-fighting chicanery I have ever seen a champion do. I won’t bore you recounting all his lies and machinations here, you can read about them below.  But he ducked Usyk, Joshua, Joyce and other mandatory challengers in order to fight Chisora; a fight no one wanted to see. (By no one, I mean me.  I have a pretty high opinion of myself.) And the denouement of this sordid tale?  Fury is now doing precisely the same thing that he railed at Usyk for.

They need to take his belt away. Come on, WBC.  Grow a pair.  Put this fallacious gasbag back on the outside, looking in.  Maybe then he’ll want to fight.

Maybe we can get Joyce his long-awaited return bout with Usyk.  That one I will pay to see.

 Fury’s sideshow? No thanks.

And I am so glad he is.  He did it just the way I hoped he would, with his mythological, fantastic power.  He only landed three punches.  OMG that’s amazing.  He is back.  He is all the way back.

Yes, I believe that like me, everyone on the Wilder team figured this to be a easy night, and like Fury’s fighting Schwartz this was a little seedy, a little cheap.  The difference was Wilder coming off back-to-back knockout losses, Fury was coming off an extended bender.  We wanted, no needed to see if the monster inside Fury had survived  (See That Terrible Miniaturization below).

Here is my sincerest hope for the heavyweight division:  That someone beats Fury, and with no stinking rematch clause in their contract.   Let the Big Tosser wait in the wings, floating in cloudless climes and starry skies, ever hoping to get his hands on a title shot that remains just out of reach…  That would be some poetic justice right there.  It also might allow some real compelling fights to take place.

I just wrote about the long list of ‘mandatory challengers’ (see Bottleneck, below)  Add Wilder to that list.  What remains is for the Wanker to sign to fight one of them.  Seriously, if he follows through with his plan to fight Mahmoud Charr, he needs to have his belt taken away.  That way it could go to a man willing to fight for it.

But back to Wilder: The punch that leveled Helenius was very reminiscent of the ‘Phantom Punch’ that felled Liston in 1965. Wilder, like Ali was moving backward, then planted his right foot and delivered a short, chopping blow that removed his man from his senses. 

This is making me reconsider my opinion on Ali / Liston.

At first, many years ago, I saw the film clip at normal speed and without zooming in and I didn’t see the punch either.  This was a great mystery to me. I did not want to think of Ali cheating somehow, so I let it be a mystery.

Then later I saw a slowed down and zoomed-in version in the film When We were Kings.   They also had Ali describing the punch as his “anchor punch” and he quipped that no one saw the punch because they all blinked at the same time.  But that time I could see the punch, and the impact on Liston’s head and how his left foot came off the canvas.  All these things made an actual knockout seem more plausible.

It was the fish-flop that Liston did that looked phony to me.  I eventually heard some wag (it may have been Bert Sugar, I don’t remember) point out the two hard shots that Ali landed at the opening bell.  They happen so fast that I, as did the man calling the TV play-by-play didn’t notice them.  But Liston noticed.  The theory is that he got whacked right out of the gate, followed by two minutes of fruitless lunging and missing, just like the first fight.  The thought is that he got so discouraged that he was looking for a way out when *Bam!* A flash knockdown!  Here was his chance to escape further humiliation, and thus, the fish-flop.  This was Liston’s clumsy and improvised escape.

Now I wonder…  I don’t think Helenius was faking. 

I read that he was paid roughly a million dollars to get his nose flattened.

Which is somewhat gratifying.  I found it very sad indeed that he was only paid $30,000 to fight Kownacki, and $75,000 for the rematch, where he got clocked in the nuts, several times. At least he got a bigger paycheck for this nighty-night performance.  For I expect we’ll not see much of the “Nordic Nightmare” from now on.  After all, Wilder knocked Breazeale into obscurity in just the same way.

Earlier in his career (2010 and 2011) Helenius beat Lamon Brewster, Samuel Peter and Derek Chisora.  In more recent times, he lost to Gerald Washington and Dillion Whyte, and some fellow named Johann Duhaupas.  All in all a pretty impressive record.  I hope he can take pride in it and find something else to do now. And I hope the million bucks helps him get it started.

And no one is complaining except me, it seems.

There have been three recent ‘title eliminators’ but no movement toward an actual title fight.  It seems that the sobriquet “Mandatory Challenger” has as much meaning as their boxing names, like “Towering Inferno” or “Touch of Sleep.”

A long time ago I made a spreadsheet that created boxing names.  The main joke was that bad nick names, like “Dim Bulb”, “Gelding” or “Nicely Coiffed” were included.  Another joke aspect was that all the names were either Latin sounding, or eastern European, like “Igor “the Switch-Hitter” Mayorga” or “Manuel “Two-Sheds” Solzhenitsyn.  I looked but couldn’t find that one.  I did find a generator that I wrote with all Jewish names, to wit:

	Your Son’s Birth Month		Your Daughter’s Birth Month		Your Birth Month
1	Lester		the Hammering Hebrew		Schwartz
2	Morey		you want I should stop hitting you?		Lieberman
3	Saul		The Dybbuk		Finkelstein
4	Bernie		You call that a Jab?		Rothschild
5	Malcolm		the Smiter		Abelman
6	Abraham		the Horn of Joshua		Lipschitz
7	Hiram		the Pillar of Fire		Rosenthal
8	Cyrus		The Desert Wanderer		Cohen
9	Ruben		the Mensch		Feinberg
10	Chaim		Matzeltov		Liebowitz
11	Benjamin		the Plague of Fists		Abramowitz
12	Rorey		Aaron’s Rod		Morgenstern

(I got “Ruben “the Smiter” Abramowitz”.)

Then I found one that I created that riffed off of the stereotype of Italian organized crime figures, but imagining that they were both boxers, and also office workers:

	Your birth month		Your Wife’s Birth Month		Your Son’s Birth Month
1	Jimmy		The Copier		Rutigliano
2	Tommy		The Kuerig		Giordano
3	Joey		The Shredder		Esposito
4	Pauly		The Dumpster		Romano
5	Rocco		The Stapler		Bianchi
6	Sally		the Copier		Mancini
7	Tony		“Three-Hole-Punch”		De Luca
8	Bruno		the Rolodex		Napolitano
9	Sammy		I.T.		Moretti
10	Guido		The Server		Marchesi
11	Pete		The Gopher		Lucchese
12	Alfredo		The Remote Connection		Angelini

(I got “Pete “the Dumpster” Moretti”.)

You see there was a time when the boxing world was full of Irish men.  Angelo Dundee wasn’t Irish, and his name wasn’t really Dundee, but he wanted his name to sound like an Irish name.  He wanted his name to make it look like he belonged in the sport.  The later Italian men seemed to dominate the sport, men like Marciano, Graziano or LaMotta.   Then black men had a dynasty.  More recently the Latin men and eastern Europeans.  Burt Sugar wrote about this phenomenon and linked it to immigration, etc.  Don’t know if he touched all the bases, but it was interesting.

There was Jewish heavyweight champ once.  Max Baer was Jewish.

Then things got really weird.  This last one was for architects that also were somehow prizefighters:

	The month of your Anniversary		Your daughter’s Birth Month		Your Son’s Birth Month
1	Michael		Notes of Earth		Johnson-Smythe
2	Criss		Whisper of Toffee		Wallingford
3	Thad		Peat Smoke		Patterson
4	Douglas		the Vision		Moody
5	Rory		Dark Sweetness		Evans-Childers
6	Alexander		Learning Pathways		Witherspoon
7	Troy		Innovation Propeller		Samuelson
8	Bruce		Limitless Potential		Montigue
9	Lemuel		Delicious Accent		Buttifoucco
10	Samson		Postmodern Renaissance		Simpson-Prague
11	Aldo		Juicy Peach		Whistler
12	Chad		Noble Purpose		Dorchester

(I got “Michael “the Vision” Buttifoucco”)

Architects… really weird people.  Where was I?  Oh, yes.

I refer to Filip Hrgovic, who won a title eliminator against Zhang Zhilie, and is next in line to challenge Usyk for one of his belts, or so they say.  Andy Ruiz also won an eliminator against Luis Ortiz, and he is also next in line to fight Usyk for a belt, and Joe Joyce knocked out Joseph “No Name” Parker and he too, is next in line.  I understand that Daniel Dubois is somebody’s ‘Mandatory’ for some reason too.

Wait, is one of these guys supposed to fight Fury, (who is retired)?  Because if you haven’t heard he’s planning to fight Mahmoud “Diamond Boy” Charr (No, I’m not making fun of him, that’s his name.)  If you don’t know, Charr, whose career has not earned him a title shot, has been shot 4 times in the abdomen, has had both hips replaced, and is 37 years old.

Here’s a picture of him in training.

Inspiring, Tyson.  Real nice.

Being a “Mandatory Challenger” seems to be analogous to being in the “friend zone” with a member of the opposite sex.  There doesn’t seem to be any way out, and you never get the ‘closure’ you desire.

So we have a phalanx of men, qualified men, men who have been tested and have passed, men pounding at the door, and the sanctioning bodies act like referees in  a wrestling match. (“What chair? I didn’t see a chair!”).  Heavyweight boxing is constipated and the only way to get things moving is for the sanctioning bodies (AKA the Tapeworm) to start actually stripping titles from their “champions” that refuse to fight.

Fury should have his title taken away and be forced to wear a tutu for his next match.

I shall retire to Bedlam.

As I predicted, he has withdrawn his offer to fight Joshua, and is looking to fight Manuel Charr instead.  This is as cynical a move as his fight against Tom Schwartz was a couple years ago.  Blech.

It’s cruelty masquerading as sport.

When we were in school whenever a fight broke out, the kids would circle round and watch, shouting “Fight! Fight! Fight!” with enthusiasm.  What were hoping to see?  Pain? Injury? Humiliation?

Maybe we were hungry to establish a pecking order, who was boss of the playground?  Who will be our king?

I really don’t know, if you have any ideas, leave them in the comments section. 

But there might be something to that pecking order theory.  I was challenged to a fight on two separate occasions too see who was the toughest.  I was the biggest, that’s why I was selected for the honor of fighting for the Russel Erwine Elementary School Championship.  The fellow I was supposed to fight was a friend of mine.  I remember his first name was Don, and he was athletic.  He wore his hair in a flat top. That’s all I remember.  Here is the house he lived in.  Still looks the same.

It wasn’t him that wanted the fight, it was other kids instigating this, setting a time and place, etc.  I talked to Don and said that I didn’t want to fight him, that we were friends, and it would be stupid to fight just because these other kids wanted us to.  He agreed, and we walked home.  Some time later, my neighbor Joe (who was also in the same grade) said he heard I had “chickened out” of the fight.  “Who told you that?” I demanded.

“Don did”, he said.

I ran the 200 yards to Don’s house, knocked hard on that side door you can see above and Don answered.  “Come on out”, I said.  “Why?” He wanted to know, and while I can’t quote what I said then exactly, I figure you can guess the gist.  I was angry and probably loud because before I could get my pound of flesh, his mom came to the door and acted like a parent.  I pointed and accused, she made him apologize.  We shook hands.

We continued being friends after that too.

In that case the “King of the Playground” was really the prize and other kids wanted us to fight for it.  Not sure if this explains kids general fascination with all things pugilistic, but it’s something.

My point is that they didn’t ask me to fight this other Don, who was hydrocephalic, Or Dino, who was chubby and six inches shorter. No they wanted me to fight a kid who was strong and athletic (and between you and me, could well have won), someone they figure was a match for me.

But fighting the weaker and less able is what Fury, the Tosser King, is doing.  He’s going to beat up a smaller man for money. 

It’s one thing to do that when you are starting out, or if you are a side-show attraction like Hanford Willis (see ‘the Twister”, below). But when you are the Champ…

Ali fought Alfredo Evangelista.   I remember.  But the press, or at least Howard Cosell didn’t give him a pass for it.  They skewered him, called him out.  Called him lazy, a coward.

And of course we know Ali did take on better competition and paid the price for it too.  I don’t want that for the big Wanker, but he could be providing the public a thrilling spectacle, earing millions doing so, and maybe establishing himself as a great one.

But no, to paraphrase Darryl Philbin, he’s: “Sitting on his biscuit, doesn’t want to risk it.”

To no one’s surprise, Joe Joyce pummeled Joseph “no nickname” Parker to the canvas.  Well, I guess maybe Parker and his crew were surprised, they said they were supremely confident going into this fight.  I don’t know why.  I’ve watched all of Joyce’s fights and have detected a pattern:  Joyce hits his opponents enough times that they quit.

It’s like Buster Douglas said “You just keep chopping, and eventually they’re gonna go”.

Joyce’s style is pressure and aggression.  He never lets up, he’s always moving forward and always swinging.  Not wild swinging, not so he punches himself out. It took him ten rounds to knock out Dubois, and eleven to flatten Parker.  No, he is disciplined in his assault.

My guess is that it’s hard to mount any offense against him because he never lets you pause in defending yourself.

What was a surprise was how durable he is.  We’ve seen hints of it before.  Takam hit him with three good rights in their fight to no effect.  Dubois got in a couple good ones too.  But I lost count of the clean shots that Parker hit him with.  That has to be demoralizing in the extreme when you hit a man with your best shot and he just keeps coming  – without pause, without reaction except to punch you back – hard.

Joyce once compared himself to George Foreman, and at first I scoffed at the notion.  But now I see what he meant. Aggression, power, granite chin.  Check, check and check.

They say he’s next in line for a shot at Usyk, and he wants that one too, having an amateur score to settle with him.  Usyk has said he only wants to fight the Tosser King (Fury) and if he can’t get that fight he’ll retire.  Fury agreed in principal to fighting Usyk, but then started inventing ways to weasel out “Oh you need surgery?  Too bad, I wanted to fight yet this year.  Oh, and I want half a billion pounds too.  You have one week”.  Like Jerrell Miller, he hit the trifecta in excuses not to fight.

Now Fury is doing his little pantywaist two-step teasing us (the flirt!) with the idea of fighting Joshua instead.   

Anyway, my point is I doubt that any of the tall ones want anything to do with Joyce.  It remains to be seen if Usyk can be talked into the rematch.  (I looked and that amateur bout was ten years ago.)

We have Wilder / Helenius coming up:

Sorry – I dozed off there for a moment.  (I expect a decisive win for Wilder.)

I sure hope my drowsiness is warranted.  I am not ready to say goodbye to the Bronze Bomber. I hope he stops the bearded Fin in his inimitable fashion: Stalking, stalking, stalking and *BOOM!* Goodnight sweet prince.  I’d like to see him fight Ruiz too, or Zhang, or Hrgovic, or Joshua or Whyte.  If Helenius pulls off the upset… well I’ll be upset.

Speaking of Zhang, remember how I said his “loss” to Hrgovic would not hurt his placement in the ratings? Indeed I was right. He actually moved up to number ten in Ring magazine’s poll (Hrgovic is number eight.)

And in their wisdom (I may have to take back the unflattering things I’ve said about them.  Well, some of them.) they do not have the big Wanker on their list. The man said he was retired, and until he signs a contract to fight, he’s still retired in my estimation.  I wish the WCB would take his belt too.

They currently show:

1.  Usyk
2.  Joshua
3.  Wilder
4.  Parker
5.  Ruiz
6.  Whyte
7.  Joyce
8.  Ortiz
9.  Hrgovic
10. Sanchez
11. Zhang

Of course the Parker and Joyce positions will change shortly, but other than that I think this list is solid.

The IBO “computerized” (supposedly objective) list has:

1. Usyk
2. Fury
3. Joshua
4. Joyce
5. Parker
6. Ruiz
7. Whyte
8. Sanchez
9. Chisora
10. Pulev
11. Ortiz

I question Pulev being on there.  He has newer impressed me.

Lastly, the Transnational (Teddy Atlas’ baby) has:

1. Usyk
2. Joshua
3. Wilder
4. Ruiz
5. Parker
6. Joyce
7. Whyte
8. Wallin
9.  Ortiz
10. Michael Hunter
11. Martin Bakole

I know, right?  I’ve heard Michael Hunter but not Bakole.  I looked and he beat Maruisz Wach and Tony Yoka and lost to Michael Hunter.  The rest of his resume is no-names.  Hunter, on his part, lost to Usyk, and had a draw with Povetkin.  His most recent fight was a draw against Jerry Forrest.  Not very inspiring. He needs to get those bums out of there (and Otto Wallin too) and put Zhang, Hrgovic and Sanchez on the list.

So many good fighters, and it takes so long to make a good match. I continue to hope that Joyce and Zhang get their chance before they age out.